Booby Be-Gone-Oct.10.2010

Six years ago today at 5:30 a.m. in the morning my former boyfriend and I left the hotel  across from Mass General Hospital for surgery to remove my left breast.  My parents were in the hotel room next to me, I didn’t wake them, I already knew they were up and praying for me.  We hugged and prayed together the night before.

I remember most of the tests I had before my surgery, especially the appointment with my anesthesiologist with my good friend Linda.  It was quite comical with the questions I had, especially when I asked if I had to cough up the breathing tube in my throat (hey I saw this on Greys Anatomy!) We almost started a riot in the waiting room because the wait was RIDICULOUS!!  Everyone that was waiting agreed.  I got in a little faster to remove  us troublemakers out of the waiting room.

Earlier in the month I had a MRI or ultrasound, I can’t recall the name! The sounds during the test was something out of a star wars movie, believe it or not I found the sound quite soothing, even though I was laying on my stomach with two holes to dangle my boobs.

Then there was the appointment the day before my surgery where they had to inject a radioactive substance, a dye, near the tumor to locate the position of the sentinel lymph node.  They numbed my left breast and then proceeded to stick a needle in my nipple!!! Holy crap!  That was surprising. Now I know what it must feel like to get a nipple ring!

During surgery, the surgeon uses a device that detects radioactivity to find the sentinel node or looks for lymph nodes that are stained with the dye. Once the sentinel lymph node is located, the surgeon makes a small incision  in the overlying skin and removes the node.  Of the 19 nodes removed during my surgery, less than one (.05) showed cancer activity.

Waiting for surgery, I was introduced to my “team” who would be with me before, during and after my surgery. My team was waiting for one of my doctors to sign off before they could prep me for surgery.    I remember sitting there on the bed looking at all the other patients around me, it was so surreal!

I sat up swung my legs to the floor and decided this wasn’t a good idea and was planning my escape.  Well, my team was observing me from a distance and casually came over and decided they didn’t need to wait for signatures and continued to prep me for surgery.  They explained my pain blocker which was administered into my back, I was indecisive to say yes to this procedure but in the end I agreed.

I remember heading into surgery and Dr. G (my surgeon to remove my breast) saying hello to me and then out went the lights.

Surgery lasted five hours I don’t remember what time it was when I woke up.  What I DO remember when I came around that something was in my crotch and it was very uncomfortable and I said to the nurse “what the hell is that?!”  He told me it was a catheter, ok well I let him know I didn’t need that!  He smiled and informed me that I was peeing that very moment.  I couldn’t wait for that to come out!

When I left recovery and was moved to a room, I was pretty doped up.  I noticed my son Vinnie came in and was sitting on the other side of the room with a stranger.  In my drug haze state I kept staring at him and wondering why he was on the other side of the room?  I must have looked pretty bad because he didn’t recognize me!  My Mom had to tell him this pale bald headed woman over on the other side of the room was his mother!

During the night my team (yes all of them) would arrive to see how I was doing.  In my haze I could feel their excitement to see me and their huge smiles.  I remember asking myself are they real?

I stayed at MGH for 48 hours.  Even though I received exceptional care, I just wanted to go home.  The nurses were impressed with my recovery and called me a rock star  (yay-sarcasm here).

My breast was gone an expander was inserted and would need to be filled every week to stretch my skin for my future implant.  Dr. W was my plastic surgeon who took over the surgery after my breast was removed.

When I arrived home, the pain blocker wore off and I was sore and uncomfortable.  I was thankful for all the love and care I received at home.  The prayers, cards, dinners and flowers from concerned family and friends humbled me.  LOVE makes recovery easier to handle.

These were confusing times.  It was all new to me and every appointment, test, etc., etc., was explained to me but you don’t understand what’s happening until you complete each part.

Chemo is explained beforehand, then you experience the side effects yourself….ahhhh now I get it!  Tests and more tests you have never heard of are done.  The surgeon explains the breast removal procedure.  The plastic surgeon has drawings on his white board (I’m a visual person) of your expander and implant procedure.

I listened to my doctors and honestly I cannot tell you how much I comprehended.  My brain was overloaded with so much information and I had chemo brain!  I was determined to fight but was overwhelmed with fear of the unknown. I prayed and got the answer Let’s do it!!

Thank Goodness I have a sense of humor! I can find something to laugh about even on bad days.

After my surgery I received the good news that I was cancer free! Yay!  I did it!  I beat cancer…woot woot!  Let’s celebrate to another 50 years of life.

After my surgery I decided to have my yearly mammograms at MGH. My friend Linda and I would celebrate afterwards with a couple Margaritas at our favorite restaurant The Border Café.  I would say to her “I’m cancer free for now!”  She didn’t like me saying that but maybe deep down I knew.

That was then, this is now.

Today, I will have happy and sad moments reminiscing about my booby be gone day and the weeks following it.

Now the battle is bigger and one I can’t win.

With God, my family (especially my eight beautiful grandchildren!) and friends by my side;

I will stay strong, pray more, worry less, laugh every day and live each day as if it was my last with NO drama.

Most importantly, I will have an AWEsome moment every day.

 

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Does It Help or Hurt?

I went over Tony & Morgan’s house the other day.   Bella my 13 year old granddaughter was watching the rugrats (my nickname for the three littlest 6, 5 and 3 year olds).

She was on YouTube teaching herself a song with her guitar.  Bella is very musical and artistic she always has a sketch pad close by.  I watched the video with her and asked how her fingers were doing with the guitar strings?  She told me they were numb but getting tougher every day.

I told her how the tips of my fingers are numb from the medicine I am taking to fight my cancer and that one night a glass slipped right out of my hand and shattered!  Bella listened attentively and seemed a little surprised.  We talked awhile and the conversation changed to horses, school and 13 year old chatter.

I thought about my conversation with Bella.  I wondered is it a good idea to tell her about my side effects?  How much do you share with the ones you love?  Will I scare them?  Will they worry more? I look quite normal (physically anyways, mentally that’s questionable).

First of all this isn’t a criticism to my family and friends, doctors, co-workers etc. etc. who know my cancer battle and tell me I’m looking good.  They see my good and bad days.

Some people who hear that I have stage IV cancer say “but you look so good and healthy!” Well that statement does bother me, I guess when you say the big “C” word, weak, pale and maybe bald are the visions they see in their heads.  Yes there are Metavivors whose cancer has spread through their bodies and are struggling to live another day, God bless them, I know too well this could be me some day.

There are also Metavivors like me, we run the marathon everyday looking over our shoulder at the big “C” jogging behind us hoping and praying it doesn’t catch up and spread its poison to another part of our bodies.  We are working, chasing kids, cooking and cleaning, spending time with family and friends, doing our chemo, radiation whatever it takes to keep us alive and we are in pain and exhausted.

So you are probably thinking “what do you say?”  For me simple words work best; I am sorry to hear that, I’m here for you, I’ll be praying for you.  I love the cards I receive in the mail, prayers, and hugs.  A simple text saying hello can brighten my day.  Ask me how I am doing ONLY if you really want to know.  Don’t be scared of me, you can’t catch my cancer.

It seems to me because I look “normal” some forget I have cancer.  I got an eye roll from a friend for hiring a housekeeper when it’s just me and my husband Mike.  Yea, I still work full-time and have a positive outlook on life.  I’m feeling pretty good and walking better but guess what?  My back fucking hurts every day!  I can’t wash my floors or scrub my tub without pain.  When I vacuum the lower level in the house, Mike brings the machine down for me.  After I’m done, I need to sit down for a bit to rest my back.

Reading other Metavivor Blogs they have the same issues, one went for a bicycle trip, they criticized her for being too physical with cancer.  Another loves Oreo cookies, yup she got scolded for this and she let people know in a video to back off!

Hey I’m guilty of judging.   I think of the times I saw a car pull into a handicap spot and they get out of their car looking totally healthy judged that!  How about mental health issues?  Depression, anxiety, alcoholism, drugs, they are easy targets too.  Instead of showing compassion we criticize and give our opinions.

So what do we do?  How can we break this opinionated habit?  Maybe we should think before we speak?  Or reread your post before hitting the send key and ask yourself if this is really going to help or hurt?

I like the saying “Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about”. Working with the public I say this A LOT!

I’m still working on the compassion and understanding, it’s gotten better.  Though some things I have to ignore because you just can’t fix stupid.

 

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I Choose Door #3

I look in the mirror at my scars or should I say my battle wounds.  I have scars on my breast, hip and from my port.  Where next? Can I handle it?

I cry alone, I struggle to show this part of me to anyone.

The past two weeks I have mourned my old life, simple things really.  Like leaving at sunrise to a fitness class, playing physical games with my grandchildren, hiking, working on my garden without having to take ten minute breaks.  Then we have the more complicated, such as work, money, friends and marriage.  Nothing is what it was- thanks to my poison.

Everything I see in front of me seems miles away.  I’m stuck in a jar looking out at a distorted view of my life.  I see the ones I love, my grandchildren make me smile so much! But I feel distant to them.  I want to reach out to pick them up and twirl them around, but I can’t.  I want to have fun and live but I’m frozen.

I’m grieving my old life and trying to find where I belong now.  It’s hard and I am struggling.  I pray and this is hard too.  I love the saying “When it’s the hardest to pray, pray the hardest”.

I’m on vacation this week and Monday, I woke up and struggled to pray and ask for help.  This was not easy.   I was fighting negative thoughts and had a hard time concentrating.

I gave up and decided to check my email.  God works in wondrous ways!  He lead me to my Saved File and I immediately clicked on to an old email from my daughter-in-laws father Mike; a wonderful husband, father and friend who was taken away too soon by cancer.  I want to share his email with you:

From: Mike Catlin-   Good one for me right now but good one for everyone each day Sent on April 13, 2010.

Catch of the Day

Taking action
by John Fischer

“The mind of man plans his way [Decision], but the LORD directs his steps [Action].” (Proverbs 16:9 NASB)

Remember the three frogs on a log? One decided to jump down… how many were left? Three… because deciding to do something and doing it are two different things. In order for a decision to mean anything, you have to do something about it. You don’t just decide to get married; you buy the ring, set the date and plan the wedding. You don’t just decide you’re going to get a job; you get your resume ready, fill out applications, make phone calls, pound the pavement. You don’t just decide you’re going to make some changes in your life; you make them. Decisions mean nothing without actions to back them up. It’s a little like hearing the word of God and not doing anything about it.

That means that once you decide for door #3 you have to open the door and walk through it into whatever it is that door holds for you. You back up your decision by taking whatever steps that decision requires you to take. And the amazing promise is that the Lord will direct your steps as you go.

This verse tells us a lot about how this works. It says that the Lord directs our steps, but who takes those steps? We do. The Lord doesn’t take them for us. We don’t stand there and wait for him to move our legs. We step out—we take action—and the Lord somehow directs our steps as we go along. Strange, mysterious, but true.

So that means you can’t just wait around for God to do something. You do it. You step out, because God will do something through your steps. He directs as we walk. He works as we work. He talks as we talk.

It’s a little like a cartoon I saw once of an artist painting a picture, except that he himself was being painted at that very moment by a very large brush in a very large hand.

I saved many emails of Mikes, to click on this particular one?  God knows what I needed.

So, I got off my butt, dusted off my exercise mat, listened to my body but pushed it (boy I was sore the next day!).  It felt good and afterwards, I played a fun song and danced like no one was watching! Exercise helps my soul.

And then I got angry.  Angry for feeling sorry for myself!  I read many Metavivor blogs.  One in particular is Coopdizzle who is on Facebook and on Youtube with her story.  In 2014 she was a 33 year old mother and wife, diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer.  She fought the battle and is now surrendering to hospice.  A hero who wants her story told.  God Bless her and her family.  There are too many stories like this.

Now when I work out, I will pray through it and remember the ones who struggle through the pain, chemo and radiation.  My workouts will be for them and me.  Cancer Sucks!

There is no guarantee my days will be clear and sunny.  I will have my share of cloudy days and struggle to find clear skies.

On those cloudy days, I have to remember:

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For those who can’t.

 

 

 

 

 

Can’t beat it? Try to Trick It!

 

When I was going through radiation, I wanted to explore Reiki.  I believe in Reiki and felt the technique could help with the pain.  In church, I asked several people if they knew of anyone or a nutritionist that could advise me about food and natural supplements.

Several weeks went by and one Saturday I was at a church luncheon and my friend Shannon H. gave me a “Wondrous Roots” business card  that someone in church gave her for me.  I was so excited and”thankful that God answered my prayers.

Then the unexpected happened, my friend Donna and I were heading to Keene for lunch and shopping, I told her about the business card I got.  She was so excited and had me call on our way to Keene.  I was thinking to myself, there is no way she would  have time to see us.  While we were having lunch, someone from Wondrous Roots called back and said come over.  We made our way to her office, introduced ourselves to Rebecca  Montrone,  a Certified Holistic Health Practitioner specializing in nutrition, herbs and therapies.  I instantly liked her.  As I gave her a brief description of my diagnosis, she explained about some supplements she wanted me to start immediately.

A Comprehensive Nutritional Consultation was scheduled for the following week.  I enjoyed my visit with Rebecca, she is such a positive, healthy, styling woman!  So knowledgeable.  I felt confident that she could help me fight this poison growing inside of me.  We went over my medical history and my eating habits.  She also explained the different supplements she would like me to take.

After my consultation Rebecca sent extensive emails which I read over and over (I was never good in Science!)  My program will compliment and make more effective the conventional treatments I am using, while at the same time, the supplements would be fighting the cancer on their own.  I was relieved that there was no discussion to end my treatments with my oncologist.  With Rebecca, it is to join the battle and fight!

Even though I thought I was eating healthy,  I was surprised how much sugar was in my diet!  Sugar is not good for me.  There is too much sugar in our food!   Rebecca explained to me the effects of sugar,  carbohydrates, and soy.  She also sent extensive information on packing a lunch and more nutritional information.  One of her sayings I love is;

“if God didn’t make it, don’t eat it!”

I try to eat organic.  There are times that it’s impossible to do this but, I’m good most of the time.  I  eat only organic meat.

Due to the public demand for organic foods, it is easier to shop at the local grocery stores. One of my favorite places to shop is the Keene Co-op, they have great fresh food.

Ohhhhh  and alcohol, I miss you so!  I may have one or two drinks on the weekend.

I have cancer inside me already  and some have questioned  “how is eating organic going to help you?”  Again, I am trying to s l o w the poison from spreading.

I have read books that claim you can cure your cancer naturally by meditating, clean eating, faith and healers in other countries.  I believe this can happen and it fascinates me, but it also can bring false hope to some who think it can cure their cancer. My opinion is to research, read articles and just go outside the box of the conventional way of fighting cancer.  It might not be your thing but at least educate yourself.

I started Ibrance /Xgeva/Letrazole in January 2016.  In April, 2016 I started my supplements from Wondrous Roots.  My Markers or counts (blood tests on the activity of my cancer) has lowered in June.   I was told I can start going to Oncology every TWO months instead of every month!  Praise God, I just wanted to climb a mountain and sing!  I will still go every month for blood tests and a Xgeva shot.

So bring on the skeptics, ha ha!   I know you are out there.  Let me just say this, I am NOT looking for a cure.  Trick it and slow the poison from spreading inside of me is what I am trying to do.

I pray and ask God what’s next? He guides me.

Oh by the way, I still have not found my Reiki person.

I Don’t Want To Join The Cane Gang!

When Dr. B. did a biopsy on my iliac crest bone, he also removed about 20% of my cancer in that area.

I am now hurting and limping badly.

I live and work in a small town where everyone knows your name (Cheers!).  Every day someone would ask me why I was limping, some I would tell my story to, others I would say I was getting old.  You get tired of explaining.  Or after telling them what’s going on they cheerfully say “you can beat this” and go on their merry way, not knowing how to react with the news.

I did the lean on walls walk, hung onto chairs and furniture.  Always got a cart at stores and tried my best to get a parking spot close to the entrance.  I now know how my Dad felt when he had to use a cane! We are such stubborn creatures!

I started using a hiking stick my brother gave me it didn’t look like a cane (so I told myself).  Then my Dad mailed me his first “walking stick” (still denial) that I used. I still would not use it around my grandkids.

In the meantime, Dr. D. suggested (again) that I have radiation done to help with my walking.  I did not want to do radiation because radiation can cause cancer ha! At this point I was ready to try it.  I couldn’t walk very well, I was not sleeping at night because my leg was throbbing.

I want you to know what radiotherapy does (this is from the cancer research page).

Radiotherapy is a treatment to relieve bone pain caused by cancer that has spread into the bone. The areas of cancer cells in the bone are called secondary bone cancer, bone metastasis, or bony secondaries. 

Radiotherapy is often used to control pain due to bone secondaries from prostate cancer, breast cancer, bowel cancer and lung cancer. It may be combined with other types of treatment, depending on the type of cancer you have.

Secondary bone cancer weakens the bones by damaging healthy bone cells. Radiotherapy can help to make bones stronger and less likely to break. It can also treat bones that have fractured. 

Radiotherapy for cancer that has spread to bones can also help to prevent new painful areas developing. Having this treatment may slow down the cancer and give you a better quality of life for a longer time. But it won’t cure your cancer.

On January 28th I started radiation treatments at Burbank Hospital.  I would go Monday-Friday for 16 treatments.  My leg was killing me by this time and I needed my “walking stick” or when my good friend Linda came to my appointments,  she insisted I use a wheelchair, if you know Linda you do not argue with her!

After my tenth treatment, I started feeling nauseous. Ugh!  I hate that feeling!  I was still trying to work full time and it was a struggle.  I didn’t have to work full time, I have plenty of sick time but I’m stubborn.

At treatment number 12, I quit radiation.  I told my radiologist that I was starting to feel nauseous and shitty, she explained to me it was radiating a piece of my stomach.  My stomach!!! I do not have cancer in my stomach and would prefer not to.

My last day I did not see my regular doctor (he was on vacation) instead I saw my original doctor from 2011. Reading my report, I could see and feel his concern and sadness.  I told him I was done with radiation and asked him if skipping the last 4 treatments would make a difference?  He said no, thank you for your honestly Dr. P!

After leaving Dr. P, I talked to a few of the nurses.  Nurses are awesome! They are not only compassionate, they are very knowledgeable.  They are my go to people.  I told them the concerns I had that my leg still wasn’t getting better.  It was explained to me that it doesn’t happen overnight and could take a few weeks.  They insisted I get a cane (a real one) to help my leg heal.

That was it, no celebrations just ginger ale and a comfortable couch!

Lying on the couch, I searched the internet for canes.  I found a cool site with different styles.  I ended up buying four.  Four?!  Yup, one for my car, one for Mike’s car, one for the motorcycle and one for work!  I had no reason to not use the cane, one was always available.

It was such a strange feeling using a cane, especially since I was healthy and athletic six months ago. It was hard seeing reactions from people, but you suck it up, smile and hobble along!

The reaction from my son Vinnie I will never forget.  Vinnie and his wife Kylie live near Boston, with two beautiful boys, my grandsons!.  I went out to visit, he met me at my car and I had my cane, I guess I forgot to tell him I had one.  He was a bit stunned, and wanted to know why?  When he would call me during the week, I would tell him I was doing well and then I show up at his house with a cane!?  We had a nice long talk that night and it was very humbling to see his love and concern for me.  I am very blessed.

It took almost a month for my leg to heal and to put away my canes hopefully for a long time.  I am now walking (slowly) a few miles and can ride my bicycle.  It still hurts if I overdue it, which I do a lot.  I’m the type of person who will walk one mile and think to myself hmmm…. that wasn’t bad let’s go a little farther and usually regret it later.

It’s who I am and I’m not going to change.  Self- pity is for wimps.

Bouncy Houses & Treatments

I have always been active, worked out 5 days a week, hiked, biked, kayaked. Exercise was my meditation, plus I felt healthy and strong.

I honestly cannot tell you how many times my hip hurt, knee ached.  I even had x-rays done on my knee.  I just wrote it off as age and side effects from chemo. I would take a few days off from working out, pop a few Advil then back to the gym!  I loved my 6 a.m. class, Tamara our instructor kicked our ass and I made great friends.

Then I got injured, thought it was my knee, x-rays again nothing.  I didn’t rest my injury.  My grandson Michael had a birthday party at a bouncy house facility, so much fun! And of course I had to try most of them and run around.  Then a week later I went to Stowe VT with My son Tony and Morgan with the grandkids and what was there?  Yup you guessed it more bouncy houses! They had one set up as a relay race and of course I had to race my granddaughter Bella!  There also was a fun water slide with A LOT of stairs.

My injury was now painful. I went to see an orthopedic doctor and he determined it wasn’t my knee but my hip area. Low and behold there is “something” there.  We need more tests and your oncologist’s name.  Thankfully they work in the same building and my tests were done quickly.

I am thankful for the compassion and concern my Orthopedic Doctor gave me.

Now on to Oncology:

In January 2016, my husband and I went to Oncology to what the hell are we going to do consultation. I just wanted to hug Dr. D!  She looked sad and baffled by my diagnosis. I’m sure she was hoping I would be the two percent who are cured!  She has been my doctor since 2010.   Usually my check ups in Oncology  with Dr. D. ended “looking good see you in six months!”

Dr. D. explained to us the cancer, where it has spread, options we have. It is not curable, but treatable. She is optimistic and upbeat with plans.

Treatment is a marathon not a sprint.  Slow and steady wins the race.

Since I am hormone-receptor-positive, I will be taking orally each day Letrezole an aromatase inhibitor to cut back or stop the bad enzyme.

Estrogen is not my friend.

I am also Her2positive (yes I am fighting two battles) I will be taking IBRANCE. This is oral chemotherapy that I take for 21 days and off for 7.  IBRANCE may lower my white blood cells.  During my seven day break, I have blood work done to check this.  If my white count is low, I am vulnerable to infections and could get very ill.

Thankfully IBRANCE was approved in 2014 it has been proven to extend my life.

Lastly, once a month I will have a shot of Xgeva. Xgeva is used to reduce bone complications and bone pain caused by advanced-stage breast cancer that has spread to the bone.

Of course there are side effects, too long of a list.

I will see my doctor monthly and pray my medicine will trick my cancer and slow it down.

I know there is more I can do to fight this, it’s time to research.

 

 

MY RESULTS

In December, 2015, I had a Bone Scan, CT Scan, PET Scan and also a biopsy on my left iliac crest bone.

I went to the doctors by myself the results were found in my

Bones :

Extensive lytic lesions throughout the thoracic and lumbar spine.The largest include T10, T12, L2, L3, L5, S1.  There are extensive mostly lytic lesions  throughout the left hemipelvis, some of which is visualized on the x-rays, and a few smaller ones in the right hemipelvis; bilateral sacrum. Many of the lytic lesions do not show activity on the bone scan. No adenopathy.  In the pelvis, there are asymmetrically enlarged, mildly enhancing tubular structures possibly neural involvement including posterior to the left psoas muscle especially image 51 sequence 5, possible sciatic nerve and its branches, but unchanged from 2010.

There was no cancer found in my organs (so far!).

The biopsy results were Her 2 positive and estrogen positive, my numbers were very similar to my biopsy results in 2010! Welcome to Stage IV cancer.

I left the Doctors office sat in my car. Time stood still, heard no sounds and stared out the window seeing nothing and feeling nothing.  I didn’t even realize that I was crying until my tears made my mascara run and my eyes burned.

Halfway home I thought of crashing in a tree (kidding).  Halfway home I think I had a panic attack an overwhelming fear came over me.  My car drove me to my daughter-in-law (Morgan), she and the kids were my comfort during chemo land and I needed that now.  I was quite the sight, and tried my best to hide my tears from my grandkids.  I babbled to Morgan, the kids made me smile, got my hugs took a deep breath and headed home.

It’s hard to tell loved ones your fate.  Hardest was telling my parents who have already lost two children.  Tougher was my husband Michael who I was only married to for 1 & ½ years. We are still newlyweds!  Dam I finally found the one I wanted to spend the rest of my life with hoping for another 30 years!

It sucked to tell my kids, BAD.  Down the list you go, relatives, friends, Co-workers, etc…etc….

I laid in bed that night fully awake (I have many sleepless nights) I prayed to God to give me strength for this journey.

Whatever happens I know that

I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.    Philippians 4:13

Next an appointment with my oncologist, what will be the plan to help keep me alive?

The Eve Of My Test Results

November 29, 2015

Here I am the eve of my results of my bone scan test. Do I or don’t I have the big C word again?

I know it’s something, the look on the Doctors face, racing more tests, the whispers as you are getting x-rays the technicians are too kind.  The surreal feeling of being here before, but this time I know the doctor’s diagnosis, I feel it.

You have no control of your thoughts, Will it be in one spot?  Or everywhere, will there be treatments?  Or is there no help? Will I die soon? Who do you tell?  Who do you talk to about it, do you even say the C word?

I got lazy after five years, you never forget but you start living your life, start feeling ways you swore you never would again, start to stress on things, start to question yourself when two years ago, you would have said fuck that, I don’t need the stress or the worry, I’m alive, I’m a warrior move on, it’s all good.

So today I went to church and had Pastor Tom pray with me, so glad I have God in my life, knowing he will keep me strong through this.  I am a warrior and a fighter and I will NOT go down without a fight.  We all have strengths we never knew we had until we are in survivor mode.  I know I am.

I  know I can’t control my life, God does, my trust is in Him and I’m here for the ride, no matter the outcome, we will do it together.

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