I look in the mirror at my scars or should I say my battle wounds. I have scars on my breast, hip and from my port. Where next? Can I handle it?
I cry alone, I struggle to show this part of me to anyone.
The past two weeks I have mourned my old life, simple things really. Like leaving at sunrise to a fitness class, playing physical games with my grandchildren, hiking, working on my garden without having to take ten minute breaks. Then we have the more complicated, such as work, money, friends and marriage. Nothing is what it was- thanks to my poison.
Everything I see in front of me seems miles away. I’m stuck in a jar looking out at a distorted view of my life. I see the ones I love, my grandchildren make me smile so much! But I feel distant to them. I want to reach out to pick them up and twirl them around, but I can’t. I want to have fun and live but I’m frozen.
I’m grieving my old life and trying to find where I belong now. It’s hard and I am struggling. I pray and this is hard too. I love the saying “When it’s the hardest to pray, pray the hardest”.
I’m on vacation this week and Monday, I woke up and struggled to pray and ask for help. This was not easy. I was fighting negative thoughts and had a hard time concentrating.
I gave up and decided to check my email. God works in wondrous ways! He lead me to my Saved File and I immediately clicked on to an old email from my daughter-in-laws father Mike; a wonderful husband, father and friend who was taken away too soon by cancer. I want to share his email with you:
From: Mike Catlin- Good one for me right now but good one for everyone each day Sent on April 13, 2010.
Catch of the Day
by John Fischer
“The mind of man plans his way [Decision], but the LORD directs his steps [Action].” (Proverbs 16:9 NASB)
Remember the three frogs on a log? One decided to jump down… how many were left? Three… because deciding to do something and doing it are two different things. In order for a decision to mean anything, you have to do something about it. You don’t just decide to get married; you buy the ring, set the date and plan the wedding. You don’t just decide you’re going to get a job; you get your resume ready, fill out applications, make phone calls, pound the pavement. You don’t just decide you’re going to make some changes in your life; you make them. Decisions mean nothing without actions to back them up. It’s a little like hearing the word of God and not doing anything about it.
That means that once you decide for door #3 you have to open the door and walk through it into whatever it is that door holds for you. You back up your decision by taking whatever steps that decision requires you to take. And the amazing promise is that the Lord will direct your steps as you go.
This verse tells us a lot about how this works. It says that the Lord directs our steps, but who takes those steps? We do. The Lord doesn’t take them for us. We don’t stand there and wait for him to move our legs. We step out—we take action—and the Lord somehow directs our steps as we go along. Strange, mysterious, but true.
So that means you can’t just wait around for God to do something. You do it. You step out, because God will do something through your steps. He directs as we walk. He works as we work. He talks as we talk.
It’s a little like a cartoon I saw once of an artist painting a picture, except that he himself was being painted at that very moment by a very large brush in a very large hand.
I saved many emails of Mikes, to click on this particular one? God knows what I needed.
So, I got off my butt, dusted off my exercise mat, listened to my body but pushed it (boy I was sore the next day!). It felt good and afterwards, I played a fun song and danced like no one was watching! Exercise helps my soul.
And then I got angry. Angry for feeling sorry for myself! I read many Metavivor blogs. One in particular is Coopdizzle who is on Facebook and on Youtube with her story. In 2014 she was a 33 year old mother and wife, diagnosed with Stage IV breast cancer. She fought the battle and is now surrendering to hospice. A hero who wants her story told. God Bless her and her family. There are too many stories like this.
Now when I work out, I will pray through it and remember the ones who struggle through the pain, chemo and radiation. My workouts will be for them and me. Cancer Sucks!
There is no guarantee my days will be clear and sunny. I will have my share of cloudy days and struggle to find clear skies.
On those cloudy days, I have to remember:
For those who can’t.