November 29, 2015
Here I am the eve of my results of my bone scan test. Do I or don’t I have the big C word again?
I know it’s something, the look on the Doctors face, racing more tests, the whispers as you are getting x-rays the technicians are too kind. The surreal feeling of being here before, but this time I know the doctor’s diagnosis, I feel it.
You have no control of your thoughts, Will it be in one spot? Or everywhere, will there be treatments? Or is there no help? Will I die soon? Who do you tell? Who do you talk to about it, do you even say the C word?
I got lazy after five years, you never forget but you start living your life, start feeling ways you swore you never would again, start to stress on things, start to question yourself when two years ago, you would have said fuck that, I don’t need the stress or the worry, I’m alive, I’m a warrior move on, it’s all good.
So today I went to church and had Pastor Tom pray with me, so glad I have God in my life, knowing he will keep me strong through this. I am a warrior and a fighter and I will NOT go down without a fight. We all have strengths we never knew we had until we are in survivor mode. I know I am.
I know I can’t control my life, God does, my trust is in Him and I’m here for the ride, no matter the outcome, we will do it together.